Burnt out.

It has been a strange year, actually it has been a strange couple of years. It all started 9 years ago, this strange story, this tongue in cheek story. Pretty normal in the larger scheme of things, but all things considered, it has been quite a heady cocktail of things. A heady mixture of emotions, a really really sad mix for me personally. But it has been a life lived in relative pleasures, in comparable luxury.

Someone close to me once said, life is a bed of roses, but the thorns outnumber the petals, and the sting of the thorn turns the flowers ruddy, but once in a while you smell the perfume so heady that it makes life worthwhile. I guess, I am a scavenger, I live off of other people's philosophies, I tend to be inspired, I tend to imitate someone who I perceive to be better than me. But then again, that is how most people live.

But nothing, nothing I read, or heard, or even came across prepared me for life, not even close. Sure, I may have made a smart-ass comment here and there about life, and how things are getting me down, but in reality, I do not have a single moment that I did not cherish.

In these 9 years, I failed, I picked myself up, I failed again, I picked myself up again, and dusted myself off. I was thrown off-track, I tried to get back on it, only to be thrown off the second time, only more violently, I took the road that was offered. On this supposed road of desperation, I met new friends, I fell in love, I fell out of love, I fell in love again, and I fell out of love again, but I continued. Spurned as I was, I learned a valuable lesson, the harder one falls, the more dusting off they need to do.

So that is just what I did, I tried to delete the toes that bound me to my past, I tried to forget the people of yore, I tried very hard to be forgotten, to be forgiven. But little knowing, memories are a devious servant of the mind. We remember what we want to, and delete the bloody rest, and in some cases I found it easy to just erase any signs I might had left behind, but in others, my friends fought me, and made me a better person.

The more I fought, the more I learned. I picked up hobbies, I dropped hobbies, I picked up habits both good and bad, some stuck and others faded in due time. But most of all, I feel like this life of mine, as short as might have been, as great it may have been has taken so much, and given so much more, that I must be joking when I say I am burnt out, but, I feel like I am burnt out, nothing more to give, nothing more to try.

Sore in the forehead, a buzz in my ears, a tingling in my fingers and toes, I am tired, I am frustrated, I want to go to sleep, yet, I know I will go on. Burnt out or not, the wheel rolls on.

Oh yeah, that is the other thing I learned, to give up is to die, so I suppose, I am not done yet.