Living a Lie.

All this While I was Oblivious and blissfully ignorant. I was unaware, so gloriously unbothered about the Lie that I had been Living, It is not only a waste of emotions now that it will all come crashing down in a few moments. The dream will shatter like the House of cards just about anytime now.



A score Years ago almost I came to this world just to concoct another sub-space of reality all mixed up with my delusional perceptions and untrue realizations of Grandeur and of possibilities that could never have existed anywhere but in my Psychedelic Emotion. When a dreamer wakes up there is not a thing more painful (other than child-birth some say....Touche.)

A Barren Mind

Human beings are prisoners of their own imaginations, we are only limited by what we can imagine and what we can conjure up in our increasingly brief flights to the fantastic world of dreams and imaginations.
The world it seems is closing in on us by the day. It is just too hard to even look at the sky and imagine shapes in the clouds or to just look up at the stars and try to come up with an imaginary constellation of some mystic creature, or some such.
It seems most of the people of my generation are too busy entertaining themselves to have time left to entertain, I have forgotten the fine art of being able to hold an actual face to face conversation, feeling more at home to convey my emotions in a highly isolated,uncommunicative instant messaging windows, I seem to have grown detached seeking to actively avoid contact of most kinds that seek for me to apply myself and my emotions in real-time.

I seem to have forgotten most of the other emotions than Angst, anxiety, fear and an overall gloom. It is not very often that I feel the compulsion to smile, to laugh to just have some fun, Mind is a terrible thing to waste....But even more painful is to see it shrivel up and eventually lie in a decrepit pile of forgotten luggage

So many Mistakes....so little time.

Has Life taught its lessons? It is very sad that it has not. I believe it is the genuine lack of seriousness in most things that i do that has a say on how I fare in life. But even then I am only a twenty something aren't our lot supposed to learn from making our own mistakes and then mending ourselves accordingly?
My father for one has a very simple answer he quotes one of his favourite quotes,"Experience is a very good teacher but she sends in terrible bills". So as he puts it there is no problem in his mind with letting me commit my own mistakes and learning from them as long as I remember there is only that much we can learn from experiences without getting suitably brushed bruised and even battered from the fall-out of the said mistakes.
I have learnt very little from the life thus far lived but the problem is that there is a genuine lack of willingness to inculcate new things in me even though the need to do so far exceeds the norm for most. I have thus far have realized the multitude of problems I now face have been due to compromises that I had taken for granted for so long. My dream was to be a free-spirit, I stifled that dream and converted myself into a brooding owl quite a while back...thus I continue to brood on....So many mistakes shall I have to make to make to make anything in my life

Identity issues and reading habits

Out of the blue I had to ask myself a question if there was anyone I particularly identified with....But I have got no answer from myself as of yet. I first asked myself about what my identify was who was I where did I come from...what was the purpose for me to have burst one fine December day into this world.

I have not found the answers to all the questions of identities and definitions....I am definitely not suffering from any identity crisis meaning to say that it does not bother me that I do not know who I am or why I am the person that I am presently, but the hollowness of knowing something is missing is ever present. Never have I found a particular something or a particular someone to hold my attention....Yet I do not suffer from Attention Deficit disorders but yet nothing seems to hold onto this mind of mine for anything longer than 48 hours. It is not just my attention but also my definitions about myself that changes as quickly as the weather and most of those definitions are as wrong as the local weather office's Weather forecasts.....but one thing that somehow has held my attention for the longest has been the sky....probably since it is the most unpredictable of the canvases we have access to everyday it holds such significance to just so many of us....I have yet to see a day when the sky was the same as any other day...Bar the sky nothing is worth my while even the important things like my friends...a new car.....a beautiful girl, an exam just beyond the horizon.....or even my parents.

It thus comes out of no surprise that I haven't found anything that I am particularly good at doing as I probably have never done a thing so well as to say that I have completed it.....bar photographs I take stilling the moment I shot... nothing has ever been completed in my life there has always been something left undone for the want of effort for the want of intelligence. It is strange that no matter what I do I feel like a fish out of water.....Not knowing however what Water might be for me......the complexities of daily life that every one is so used to face keep overwhelming each day. There is not a day that I do not wonder just what is it that makes me feel so incomplete no answer seems satisfactory enough....Will be soon forced to revert my reading habits to just look-see if my problem is not as unique as I may think it to be. Maybe in one of the many designs of the written word I shall find someone like me someone as clueless as I am currently and how he redeems himself by finally getting to know and perform his Karma to gain his form of
ultimate Nirvana......His moksha in life and how it might be analogous to mine would be great to see....
As of now I just hope that this blog will not be a victim of my fickle nature....but I may never even remember having written this.

Dreams,the bee paradox and abandonment

The life this far has had a lot of chances thrown to me to shine to make something out of myself. I was a s most people when given their chances are hopeful wide-eyed with anticipation and just happy to have been given the chance to do really do something.
But it is a fact that I truly have yet been to stay the course of anything. There are the proverbial pile-up of unfinished and abandoned projects in the Garage--> that is my Study, my Bed-room and mostly my Mind. I was once a fledgling painter, yet another time a great orator in my own mind, I still remember the time when I tried my hand unsuccessfully yet again to become a guitar player.....two lessons was all it took to let me come around to the fact I did not even have the zing of the guy playing at the roadside or in the street corner (I have been watching a little too many Foreign movies there are no....well almost no one playing Guitar on Indian roadsides or street corners). I had a very early realization of what Chicken Little's father tells him that one must not dream impossible dreams if he does not want to be heart-broken. But the dreamer in me is currently concocting an evil plan of transforming me into a techie which frankly is moving like a runaway train towards failure...well it might be too early to comment yet.
I once heard in a television serial the Wonder Years that when we are children are little bits of so many things.....we are little bits of an actor, little bit of an artist....a dancer......a scientist....even a teacher. Life is nothing but a process eliminating all those possibilities one by one till one remains that we are really good at and we end up becoming that something we are the best at. I am still at a juncture of eliminating those possibilities and yet new ones keep pouring in. I have no choice but to dig in and give everyone of those possibilities my best shot and hope not to iterate the inconsistencies of my past and complete a few of my garage dreams...
True impossible dreams can only but lead to heart-break but yet the paradox of the Bee helps me keep going...that paradox is, “According to all known laws of aviation,there is no way a bee should be able to fly, Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.”---> courtesy “Bee Movie”. I still do dream what other might think impossible dreams but the truth is others do not really care for what I may or may not do or think all I really have at the end of the day is me and my dreams.
Then again it is true that no man is an island and the same applies to me, I do not claim to be alone in anything I do because looking back the few successful ventures I was in my friends did help and encourage...and also dreaming too much can lead to nothing getting done so it is not just me and my dreams but rather Me my dreams and my ensuing actions in order for the realization of the dream. I am taking a step each day to become someone of action.

The Beginnings

The story of my life so far has been one of choices that I made and the consequences of those choices. The choices that my life has put before me thus far have not been that tough. But as any anyone who has made choices will know how difficult it is to choose between even very limited number of options. It is almost like being in the ice-cream parlour choosing which flavour to have and being weighed down by the Knowledge of the fact no matter whatever flavour you may have you will end up missing the other delectable offerings. But yet you know to choose one you need to deliberate well in advance....probably the night before narrowing down your choices to preferably the one you might be having.

The ice-cream parlour that is my life has not made it easy for me to choose....and I am not even talking about the very tough choices like For Love or For Money, Love some you cannot live without or someone who cannot live without you, Parents or Conjugal relationship.....none of these tough choices but pretty simple ones like whether to watch movies or to read books. Whether to be more considerate in my behaviour towards others or just to be used to having my own way round things, on whether or not to say the truth about who broke the Jade vase the other day......and the likes of such trivial choices. Now since my life as I said has been a story of my choices I should say since the choices are trivial my life is trivial. My life is so utterly mundane that I forgot what I did yesterday.

I remember When the character played by Kevin Spacey in American Beauty says “O don't worry I would not remember me either”, it is true that I have an Utterly forgettable life, since however it is the only one I have I try to make the the best of what I have, I do not have a choice to escape to some secluded paradise sealed from the world of choices and consequences. I just make do but strangely this process of just trundling through life does not seem to me as if I am not going at the pace I should but rather it makes me think I am doing my best to keep up. But it is clearly the case where my best is not good enough to have what may be considered a functional life.

No I do function in life...I take out the garbage, clean my room(occasionally),clear the cobwebs from old wardrobes, bring groceries, shop for clothes and the like, but not function as much as I might have wanted myself to, it is a full time job doing the chores that I do yet it makes me feel that I have probably not taken the right choices and thus the consequences of those flawed decisions beckon.

Everyday is a learning process and the Learning curve is steepening with the increasing complexities that are thrown to me with the realization that I am past eighteen and soon I shall be moving out and into the world.